Saturday, June 24, 2006

Clerks 2 Arrives

At the age of 33, New Jersey mini-mart clerks and best friends Dante Hicks and Randal Graves have it made - they work with each other, slack off all day, and get paid for it. But when the local Quick Stop that has been their entire life and livelihood suffers a cataclysm, Dante and Randal have to do the unthinkable: find new minimum-wage jobs.

That's right, my fat bearded friend who never shuts up, Clerks 2 is here and Apple have the Trailer online right now.

Clerks 2 Official Movie Site
Clerks 2 Trailer
Train Wreck - the video blog of the making of Clerks 2

YouTube's Emily

You've probably read all the fuss lately about someone finding old pictures of YouTube's Emmalina nude and sending them all around the place. Well I don't have those photos, but I have found these pictures of Emily (YouTube ID paytotheorderofofof2) in the nude. Now admittedly they are quite old, but I didn't say they were recent photos, did I?

Emily has seen this blog-post and had this to say about it: "Hahahahah, I love that! That's so awesome."

Emily on YouTube
Watch the video

Friday, June 23, 2006

I'm Taking Over

I've decided to raise some Legions of Terror and take over the world. I've been watching a few old movies for pointers, and I think I've got my plans worked out well.

For starters, if I kill anyone, I won't be leaving their brother alive to harbor a grudge for 10 years, nor will I imprison my own half-brother those throne I usurped in a tower and leave him there with a sympathetic guard. My Legions of Terror will attack the hero en masse instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time. When arresting him, my guards will not allow him to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value. I won't explain my entire operation before throwing the prisoners in a cell, they won't all be put in the same one, and I'll keep the key in my pocket, not hand out copies to every guard. I'll also make sure I kill any dog, monkey, or ferret capable of untying ropes and filching keys.

My Fortress of Doom will be well constructed, and I can't see why it would ever need a self-destruct mechanism, but any device with a digital countdown will be set to trigger at 054 not 000. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through, and my shield generator will be inside the shield it generates. My computers won't have a map of my Fortress in them with the Main Control Room clearly labelled, and any plans I have on there will be too big to fit on a blank disk and won't have obvious filenames. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am. I won't shoot any major support beams, and my vats of chemicals will be covered when not in use; any walkways above them will have guardrails. A team of architects will examine the entire Fortress for abandoned tunnels and false walls, alcoves which intruders could use for cover, or machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity; it'll be in my safe.

My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship and will make sure people are really dead before leaving them. When they split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in twos. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup instead of peering around a corner. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not yell at them for incompetence then send the same group out to try again. No matter how many electrical shorts we experience, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff, so that if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could never accidentally stumble. I will treat it respect and kindness, so that if it ever gets out it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

Have I overlooked anything?

Top 100 things I'd do if I became an Evil Overlord
The Evil Henchman's Guide

Coin Crim

A worker at the Australian Government's mint was sentenced to three years in prison Wednesday for stealing 500 kilograms of coins, valued at more than $AU110,000, over a 10-month period by hiding them in his boots and lunch box. Judge Terry Connolly slammed the mint's lack of security.

I'm not surprised! That's 150 coins in each boot, every working day for almost a year! The photo here shows somewhere between 60 and 80, so we're talking two of these handfuls in each boot! It would make him a minimum of half an inch taller and 2 kilo's heavier every day at knock-off time! What do they use for security at the mint, a book by the exit that says "Please sign here if you've stolen any money at work today?"

What the linked newspaper article doesn't tell you is how he was tumbled in the first place: not by an alert guard at the mint, not by a clever detective, but by a corner shop owner being suspicious that for almost a year he paid for everything he bought with shiny uncirculated two-dollar coins! He should have realised, of course, that in order to steal legally, its not enough to just work for the Government - you have to be elected to Parliament first.

Mint worker gets booted to prison for walking away with coins

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Dam Busters Remake

Peter Jackson has his eyes set on remaking the classic war movie The Dam Busters, much to the chagrin of purists who feel the original can never be improved upon. Here at worldweirdweb we've received a leaked copy of the draft screenplay, and are glad to report to you that in essence, the movie remains the same tale of innovation, courage and drama, with only a few minor changes:

The bouncing barrel bombs that Barnes Wallace (who has been renamed to Barney Thomas) invents have been made smaller, and Gibbo (replacing the character of Wing Commander Guy Gibson) carries them to the target in his pockets's's, accompanied by the faithful Pam (it was felt that there needed to be a female lead character to appeal to a wider audience; the original movie had none), and their dog "Polack" (the name of the original dog, "Nigger", no longer being politically correct). The Lancasters are gone, Mr Jackson believing them to be too big, bulky and box-like to appeal to modern audiences. Instead, the heroes travel by foot to the Black Forest in Germany and the Valley of Dinosaurs where they capture a giant pterodactyl and take to the air to bomb the Hoover Dam (Peter Jackson felt that more US locations where needed). On the journey home Gibbo and Pam find out they are a prince and princess, and on arrival back in England are married with full royal pomp and ceremony.

Up-tempo theme music to the remade version
Peter Jackson's movies
Remake info
The Guardian newspaper

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Past Lives

Why is it that everyone who is ever hypnotized to go back to a supposed past life always turns out to be close to someone famous? They can't actually be Catherine the Great or Ghengis Khan, that'd be too snooty, but they're always their favourite handmaiden or chief beserker or brother-in-law or chief eunoch. How come no-one ever regresses and says "Oh, I was an ugly pox-ridden illiterate nobody who cleaned the dung out of the toilets at an inn"? I mean, on the law of averages, you would have been - life wasn't that great for 99.9% of the population in the past.

The main reason they can't have been someone famous though, is that through numerous past-life regression sessions, I've discovered that I was Abraham, David, Nero, Napolean, Shakespeare, Caesar, Hitler, JFK… in fact, everyone famous in history was me. Sometimes I was even two people who were alive at the same time but in different parts of the world. I had a particularly tough time during the Second World War, when I was Churchill, Hitler, Mussolini and Stalin. Now that's multi-tasking!

What were YOU in a past life?
Find a famous person

Help Save Our Devils

A serious article, for once. The famous Tasmanian devil is now officially a "threatened species". The devil population has dramatically crashed in the past five years as a result of a mysterious facial cancer that is spreading out of control across the island. The origin and cause are not known and there is no test for the disease. It is fatal, killing the animal within five to six months of the first signs. We have lost half of our devil population, and some estimates are up to 80%. We are fighting hard to find a cure, but we're on a tight time limit. If a cure isn't found soon, the Tasmanian devil will be extinct in 5-10 years. Any donations to the Save the Tasmanian Devil Foundation (through Australian bank, Westpac) would be greatly appreciated. Please help us, time is short!

University of Tasmania page
Warner Bros to help save Tasmanian devil
Tasmanian Devil Park news
Fairfax Digital
National Geographic article
Tasmanian Premier appeals for help
Department of Primary Industry page

Direct Link
Download the donation form in PDF format (right-click and save-as)

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Century Reached

It's been less than a week here at, and I notice I've reached the 100 visitor mark. I have absolutely no idea how any of you found me in the sea of words out there, but thanks for dropping in. Now, how about a few Comments? Am I doing alright? Wasting my time? A complete nutcase? Comment please, and swell my ego a bit more. In fact, I'll make it interesting for you. The first 20 people to comment and give me their email addresses will receive a handsome certificate suitable for framing or placing in their curriculum vitae, certifying that they have been silly enough to visit worldwierdweb. Now, isn't that worth getting your typing fingers sore for?

Expensive Lemons

The owner of a Los Angeles car dealership is suing Mercedes-Benz, its parent company DaimlerChrysler and other affiliates, alleging that a $1.7 million car purchased in 2004 wouldn't run for more than 10 blocks without problems (see link below).

I bought a car from them as well, and I can't say I'm very happy with it either. I was under the distinct impression that when the brochure said 'wood panel trim' it referred to the inside of the car, not the outside. And I was somewhat surprised to find the horsepower quoted was based on the fact that you actually need to harness horses to it to get it to move. Certainly I can't disagree with the 'environmentally friendly' claim, or the 'plenty of boot room' one. Since the car contains no motor there is certainly a lot of room for storing hay, which admittedly is a lot cheaper than gas currently. Still, I'm not entirely sure that this 'clean green' car is the future.

Expensive lemon
Good site with 900 funny photos and large collection of clean jokes

Monday, June 19, 2006

Shakespeare & Messiah

As promised during our preparations for the Royal Visit earlier, we present:

A Compleat Analysis of the Life & Workes of William Shakespeare
"Absolute rubbish, the whole lot. The man can't even rhyme properly!"

and a Recital by the London Philharmonic Orchestra of Handel's Messiah in Conjunction With The Welsh Men's Choir
"OK Everybody, all together on the count of three… 1…2…3…"
"Thanks everybody, you can go home now."

Shakespeare online

Party Lessons

Any intelligent man will recognise the wisdom of that advice printed on every bottle of tablets, "Keep Out of Reach of Children". Its not always possible, though, especially when your daughter has her 8th birthday party. One moment, a beautiful young lady, a tiny shy thing, waiting patiently for her friends to arrive. The doorbell rings, and suddenly a bulldozer smashes past, wrenching the front door off its frame to a cry of "Where's my present, waddidya bring me?" The friend is rammed up against the wall and frisked, and you realise you've brought a future Customs Officer into the world.

"Sorry, she's a bit excited", I mumble to the boy's mother, but she isn't listening; she's already cataloguing and pricing everything in the hallway to see if we measure up socially.

Fifteen minutes later there were 21 guests present, girls inside and boys out in the yard. At my age we used to point sticks at each other and yell "Bang bang, you're dead", but these days they point plastic and scream “Zap zap, you're sterile".

A tiny mouse tugged on my sleeve and said "I'm Amber." "I know dear," replied I, "Everyone is Amber". We had 8 Ambers, 5 Rebeccas, 3 Jakes and about half a dozen Jamies and Simons. Where have all the Arthurs gone? What happened to Reg, Peter, Harold, Muriel, Agnes, Dorothy or Flo? When was the last Gerald born?

Lunch was announced. Talk about eat, drink and be messy! Can anyone tell me why the only time a child sneezes is when they have a mouthful of cake? I gained a new understanding of the miracle of the loaves and fishes, for surely we scraped from the floor, walls and ceiling afterward at least 2-3 times more food than we had started with.

But it was only after lunch that the real problem became clear, and it can be summed up thus: never serve 10 jugs of lemonade in a house that has only one bathroom.

It was one of the Simons who came to me first, with the announcement "I have to, like, now!"
"You have to like what now?" I asked, but one of the Rebecca's was tugging at my other sleeve.
"Where's the tinkle?"
"The what?"
She was interrupted by another one.
"I have to make a whistle!" he shouted in excitement.
I had no idea what to make of it, but then luckily one of the Ambers came over and helped out.
"They need to go to the loo!" she said, rolling her eyes as if I were an idiot.

Understanding dawned, not the way it does here in Tassie, but like in the tropics, the way dawn comes all at once and in one big rush.
"Oh", I said, turning to the Simon, "You need to go to the toilet!"
"Not any more" he said, heading outside to find something that hadn't been destroyed yet.

Later that evening, as I was scrubbing the carpet, I mused on the strangeness of the world, which has narrowed the number of names for children to little more than a dozen or two, but has created an infinite number for toilet. It dawned on me that what we need is some sort of Royal Commission or Department which can examine all the options and decide on one standardized word for toilet which parents must teach their children. It strikes me that the man heading it up should be one of high intelligence and moral fibre, perhaps a priest, a man of God.

Yes, now is the time for all God men to come to the aid of the potty.

Adapted from 'My Word'

Wayne & Shuster

Welcome to that well-known comedy team of Wayne and… er… the well-known comedy team of Wayne and… er…
Well I guess you're not that well-known.
Will you get on with it, Frank?
Hey I'm John, you're Frank.
Well, I guess you're not that well known, either.
We'll be right back, whoever we are…

Ah yes, the mid 1980's, and ABC (Australian Broadcasting Commission) had a TV Formula. Once you have a Formula, no need to change a thing, just stick with it and everything will be A-OK. Thus it was that an entire generation or two of Australian kids could come home from school, turn on the TV and expect to see half an hour of comedy (Metal Mickey, The Goodies, Spike Milligan's Q8, Degrassi Junior High…) followed by half an hour of being scared out of their wits by Doctor Who.

And the greatest of these comedies was… Wayne and Shuster.

It seems strange now that we as kids never realised that Wayne & Shuster were old then. It was funny, you couldn't miss it, and you could tape record it in audio format (video recorders - who had them!? They cost the same as a car!) It was only some years later I was browsing the web and discovered that Wayne & Shuster were famous radio comedians who used to broadcast during the second world war! At first I thought I had the wrong Canadian Comedy Duo but no, it was them alright. It is a tribute to their skill at their craft that all those years later, a new generation still found them very funny.

So, here's the begging part: I have managed to track down four of their most famous recordings, to which I have provided links at the bottom of this post. Listen to them, download them, whatever, I'm sure you will enjoy them immensely. In return, please please please please, someone out their in cyberspace must have more of their comedy skits. I particularly want to listen to 'The Quiet Stranger' western spoof again, but I'd be grateful for any of their skits. No huge bandwidth requirements, don't worry about the video, just the audio track will do. Please please please please, someone out there, take pity on me and send some more Wayne & Shuster my way.

Museum of Broadcast Communication entry
Wayne & Shuster - Shakespearean Baseball Game
Wayne & Shuster - I Was a TV Addict
Wayne & Shuster - Rinse the Blood Off My Toga
Wayne & Shuster - Frontier Psychiatrist

Royal Visit

Good evening Ladies, Gentlemen, and Distinguished Guests, and welcome to this most auspicious occasion; we are most glad to have you be a part of what will certainly be the most honorable and memorable event in this blog's history. We have just been informed that Her Royal Highness, Her Majesty, Elizabeth II by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of Her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, and Defender of the Faith, will be visiting our blog later on this evening, and we of course are awestruck by this event more than words can express.

We do not know exactly when Her Majesty will be surfing in, but we expect to have regular updates from her Social Staff during the course of the evening, and will keep you informed as to when we can expect the Right Royal Event to begin. The Social Staff have presented us with instructions on protocol for the expected visit, and we ask you to behave as you normally would, unless of course Her Majesty should wish to Post Comment, in which case naturally all will pray fall silent for the Royal Utterance and under no circumstances, obviously, flame Her.

In the meantime, we ourselves here at worldwierdweb shall be continuing our normal blogging programme in suchforth and same manner as that to which we have normally become accustomed, and deviating not one whit from the usual form and factor of such social commentary for which we are revered. To thus end, thou cans't expect during this eveningtide, amongst other notable dictations, a Compleat Analysis of the Life & Workes of William Shakespeare, and a Recital by the London Philharmonic Orchestra of Handel's Messiah in Conjunction With The Welsh Men's Choir. So until such time as we hear more of the Royal Schedule, we bid thee adieu and pray continue with thy perusal of our usual fare.

Update 12:42 am
We've just received this telegram from our liaison reporter, Pepper Rassi, at the Palace:

Update 12:47 am
Pepper Rassi reports again by telegram:

Update 1:10 am
Another telegram:

Update 1:13 am
Ladies and Gentleman, we have just heard from the Palace Social Staff that Her Majesty is just this very moment typing the URL of worldwierdweb into her browser's address bar and will be entering the blog at any moment now. We ask that you pause any music you may have playing in your room so that her Majesty may Browse our blog in peace. In a moment we will be singing 'God Save the Queen' as a welcome for Her Majesty, and we ask that wherever you are in the world, you stand up, remove your hat and join in with a loud voice this tribute to Her. Her Majesty is now…

Oh dear, we've just received a phone call from the Palace Social Staff, and it seems that the moment Her Majesty entered our blog, the screen froze up and rather than reset the computer, she has decided to go to bed. For those interested in following in Her Royal Footsteps, we are told she is using Windows XP Pro on a Dell Inspiron 1300.

Well quite a disappointment there, and we've been told by Her Social Staff that as she has a very busy calendar, its unlikely the Visit can be rescheduled at any time in the near future. I can't express how disappointed we are here at worldwierdweb over this ironic twist of fate.

We leave you tonight with one last update from Pepper Rassi, our reporter on the spot (or hiding up a tree) at the Palace:

Her Majesty's blog
Vera Lynn - Land of Hope & Glory
Vera Lynn - There'll Always be an England

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Dear Doctor

I was reading a newspaper in the doctor's waiting room last week. Gee, its terrible about that Titanic sinking, isn't it? I was there long enough to catch 4 or 5 more diseases before His Honor deigned to see me. I'd come to have my eyesight checked, and after spending about half an hour explaining to him where my eyes were, he finally seemed to get the idea and dragged me out into the street, where he pointed upward.
"See that Sun up there?"
"Yeah", replied I.
"Well that's 150 million km away, how far do you want to be able to bloody well see!?"

I realised that it is, indeed, a long way to be able to see, so I gave up on eyesight, and decided to have my brain checked instead.
"Do you hear voices?" asked the Pyschiatrist.
"Yes, all the time."
"When was the last time you heard them?"
"About 10 seconds ago, when one said 'Do you hear voices?'"
"I meant voices no-one else hears!"
"Well possibly, how would I know, if I hear it, that somebody else doesn't?"
"Do you count things?"
"Yes, usually to 10 before losing my temper."
"Aha, suppressed aggression suggesting a possibility of going postal!"
"Uh no, suppressed desire to tell others just how stupid they really are."
"Superiority complex!"
"Well its not hard to have one when you're me."

Eventually we arrived at a correct diagnosis by looking my symptoms up on Google and pressing the "I'm feeling lucky" button. Unfortunately, the button turned out to be mis-labelled, as it transpired I had contracted EDTKM, or in layman's terms, Every Disease Known To Man. I was placed in a hospital room and am on a diet consisting exclusively of pizza and pancakes. Not that they have any benefit to my condition, but its the only food they can slide under the door.

World's best optical illusions from Akiyoshi
Online hearing test
Tests for IQ, relationship, career, and many more from