Saturday, July 22, 2006

Bloke Romance


The average Aussie man is, to put it bluntly, a real man, and anyone with a hairstyle, shiny shoes or wearing anything other than the national uniform is without doubt a total poof. Its not that we all conform to a standard model, rather that every single one of us is so much a rugged self-styled individual that collectively, the differences are uniformly infinite and since all of us are 99.999% different from each other, that makes us all much the same. The French idea of love is to proposition any female that moves, and she takes about as long to surrender as France took in World War II when the Nazi's arrived. The Englishman is so straight-laced he can't show publicly his love for anyone other than the Queen, which, when you think about it, is pretty sick, loving a married 80-year-old woman. German love is like two bulldogs trying to tear each other's throats out, and every Italian loves himself with no room for anyone else in his life. Greeks are great lovers if you can get past the hair, and Americans have cheapened love so much that no-one much sees the difference between 'sex' and 'love' any more. Only Australians have retained that romance, that mystique, that beautiful and wonderful floating feeling that only true love can bring. Only Australian girls can feel truly loves and satisfied, content that their men are in all ways perfect. And to prove it, here's a couple of Aussie love anthems:

Click Here to Listen

I hate the new age guys, I'm a chauvinist, I live on beer and pies
Tried to tell ya but you look at me like maybe I'm an angel underneath
Ha, haven't brushed me teeth

Yesterday I lied, but all me mates gave me a real good alibi - thanks guys (no worries mate)
I really went out drinking, I told you I was at work, Don't ask me for commitment
Cause its something I will shirk

I'm a bloke, I'm an ocker and I really love your knockers
I'm a labourer by day, I piss up all me pay
Watching footy on TV, just feed me more VB
Just pour my beer and get my smokes and go away

Or take me as I am, this may mean you'll have to fetch another can
Rest assured if I start to make you breakfast I'm going to extremes
But tomorrow I'll get shit-faced and today won't mean a thing

I'm a bloke, I'm a yobbo and me best mate's name is Robbo
Winfield is me cigarette, I dress in flannelette
Shearer's singlet that is blue, throw in a few tattoos
You know you wouldn't want me any other way

When you think you've got me figured out, the season's already changing
(from footy to cricket). I think its cool when I act like a tool
And me mates try to shave me

I'm a bloke, I'm an ocker and I really love your knockers
I'm a labourer by day, I piss up all me pay
Watching footy on TV, just feed me more VB
Just pour my beer and get my smokes and go away

I'm a bloke, I'm a yobbo and me best mate's name is Robbo
Winfield is me cigarette, I dress in flannelette
Shearer's singlet that is blue, throw in a few tattoos
You know you wouldn't want me any other way

And who can forget Put Another Log on the Fire, written by Sheldon Silverstein for Tompall Glaser, but definitely summing up the standard Ocker's views:

Click Here to Listen

Put another log on the fire.
Cook me up some bacon and some beans.
And go out to the car and change the tyre.
Wash my socks and sew my old blue jeans.
Come on, baby, you can fill my pipe,
And then go fetch my slippers.
And boil me up another pot of tea.
Then put another log on the fire, babe,
And come and tell me why you're leaving me.

Now don't I let you wash the car on Sunday?
Don't I warn you when you're gettin fat?
Ain't I a-gonna take you fishin' with me someday?
Well, a man can't love a woman more than that.
Ain't I always nice to your kid sister?
Don't I take her driving every night?
So, sit here at my feet 'cos I like you when you're sweet,
And you know it ain't feminine to fight.

So, put another log on the fire.
Cook me up some bacon and some beans.
Go out to the car and lift it up and change the tyre.
Wash my socks and sew my old blue jeans.
Come on, baby, you can fill my pipe,
And then go fetch my slippers.
And boil me up another pot of tea.
Then put another log on the fire, babe,
And come and tell me why you're leaving me.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Comment Crap

Hmmm, I've had my blog up and running for just over a month, and was quite encouraged to see almost 1,500 visitors in that time. I must be writing something worth reading, I guess. Up until two days ago, though, I'd only had 2 or 3 comments from vistors, but that's all changed. Two days in a row now, I've been hit by a commenting-bot. Check some of the comments to the articles from the last week, but don't whatever you do click on the links in them - these comments have been posted by some mongrel who hopes that the blog owner will follow the link to see who he or she was - and thereby generate ad revenue for the idiot doing it. Many people add Google ads to their site, or provide links which pay them on a per-click basis, and most of the web sites which claim to have passwords, serial numbers or game kracks are nothing more than money generators for some unscruplous operator. But this is the first time I've ever seen a commenting bot, and although I hate the idea that I'm getting automated, not real, comments to my articles, I still can't help but admire the mongrel/idiot/operator who's doing it. After all, the basis for sound commerce is to identify a market which hasn't been tapped, and make a killing before it becomes over-saturated. In this, the comment-botter has done well, and I'm sure has made quite a bit of money so far from unsuspecting blog hosts. So, good luck to you, at least until Blogspot, MySpace and other blogging services put measures into place to stop you.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Microsoft History

I had a nice blog entry ready for today, but then I watched something good on YouTube, who are now accounting for 60% of all online video and serving up more than a million videos every single day. I had to laugh, many of the clips in this vlog we've all seen before but this is a great compilation of them all. So my prepared blog entry can wait until tomorrow, today's post, for your entertainment, is… a History of Microsoft.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

No News is Tassie News

Tassie has only 3 newspapers, which, like so many things in the state, are divided along regional lines. In the northwest, there's The Advocate, in the northeast they have The Examiner, and in the south, The Mercury. All three vary in quality and meatiness somewhere between 'atrocious' and 'pathetic', but The Advocate takes the prize as the most meaningless waste of good paper. On a good day it manages to put together between 24 and 40 pages or so of articles which either come straight off the newswire (about 70%), from yesterday's Google News pages (25%) or are written by one of their staff (5%). The locally-written ones are very easy to spot; they are the ones full of spelling and grammatical mistakes.

Let's have a quick look at a breakdown of yesterday's edition: Out of a total of 40 pages, newsworthy fare approx 10 pages; full page ads 2 pp; filler articles, local people and letters to the Editor 8 pp; TV guide 2 pp; classified ads 4 pp; comics and weather 2 pp; and sport 12 pp. Average advertising space on those pages not devoted to classifieds is about 30%.

And the quality of the locally-written stuff is marginal at best. Take, for example, the front page, which breaks down as roughly 25% photo of Steve Kons, 25% headline "Premier we want a seat at your table", 20% newspaper banner, 15% full-width ad, 8% text accompanying the photo and headline (approx 100 words), and 7% 'Views from the Street'. Someone at the paper must have read somewhere that real newspapers interview people, so they went outside and asked a couple of people what they thought of Deputy-Premier Bryan Green standing aside while investigations into possible criminal actions are made against him. He hasn't resigned, he's just temporarily standing aside - so any speculation about Steve Kons or anyone else filling his shoes is pointless. The Advocate's headline article, then, isn't about anything real, but a future possibility.

But what about those interviewed people? Well, we don't know how many were asked, but only two get their opinions printed, and their comments, more than any of the above, show what brainiacs the average population are. The question: "If Bryan Green is cleared of wrongdoing should he be reinstated as deputy premier?" Notice the grammatical ignorance mentioned earlier. There should be a comma after wrongdoing, and Deputy Premier is a title, and should therefore be capitalised. And the two printed responses?

Barry Taylor, Devonport: “I don't think so. He's done the wrong thing.”
Er, the question did say if he is cleared, Barry. That would mean he hasn't done the wrong thing at all.

Steven Townsend, Burnie: “Yep. I think he's a pretty honest guy who knows he has done wrong."
Um, if he was an honest guy, Steven, he wouldn't have done wrong, which hasn't been proved in any case. That's why we have an investigation, to see if he has or not.

As you can see, Tasmania has a unique perspective on virtually everything. Newspapers without news, writers who can't write, judgement without trial, and honest thieves who can hold any office as long as they know they've done wrong. Stop the state, I want to get off.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Petrol Prices


PETROL thefts, that is, motorists driving off without paying, have risen 16 per cent during the past 12 months in Tassie. The number of people driving off without paying for petrol has risen steadily over the past four years. For many years, petrol hovered below one dollar per litre, but it didn't take a genius to realise that as soon as it went over that psychologically-significant mark, it would go up and up in a relatively short period of time. Sure enough, Tasmanians have seen petrol go from 98¢ per litre to $1.49 per litre in those same four years, with more hikes in fuel costs soon to come because of record crude oil prices.

According to the Shell website, "Large increases in oil prices have not resulted in increased earnings for fuel refineries and wholesalers because competition in the Australian petrol market is so intense. The Australian petroleum and diesel markets are among the most competitive in the world. This results in Australians being able to purchase some of the cheapest petrol in the world." (My emphasis)

Yeah, sure. In 1999, Hobart was paying 82¢ per litre and Brisbane 68¢*. The average wage that year was $961. In 2006, we are paying $1.49 in Hobart and in Brisbane $1.21, average wage is $984. In other words, living in Hobart in 1999 you could buy 1,172 litres of petrol a week, now you can only afford 660 litres on the same income level. Living in Brisbane, you could buy 1,413 litres in 1999, now you can only afford 813 litres on your average wage.

And that comment from Shell about "Australians being able to purchase some of the cheapest petrol in the world"? Petrol in the US is currently about $us2.88 per gallon, or $au3.83. A gallon is 3.79 litres, so we are paying $au5.64 or $us4.24 per gallon, or about 50% more. Some of the cheapest petrol in the world? Yeah, sure.


*http://www.gpoc.tas.gov.au/domino/gpoc.nsf/LookupFiles/seppetrpt.pdf/$file/seppetrpt.pdf

Monday, July 17, 2006

Dam or Damn the Money


Dams are never far from the news in Tassie. For a state which relies so much on hydro-electric power, you'd think a sensible, consistent policy would mean everyone knew exactly where they stood, dam-wise. A quick history of Tassie's dam/damn worries:

The 1950's to 70's saw a massive campaign of building a hydro-electric dam on any river, creek, or street gutter that came to the government's attention. The most controversial of these was the Peddar Dam, which was going to provide Tasmania's power needs well into the future. The building of it created a wonderful recreational lake and power generation source, as well as flooding pristine world-heritage standard forests, historically significant aboriginal caves, and providing such a change in the environment that clouds passing overhead began to react by dropping their water where they never previously did. Recently, the government spent half a million dollars on a feasibility study on how to drain and dismantle the dam, on the ground we don't need it any more. We recently installed the BassLink power cable across Bass Strait - Tassie had so much power, we could now sell the extra to the Mainland. Except that since the opening of the BassLink cable, we've been buying power off the Mainland because we don't have enough to meet our demand. This would mean the Peddar-draining plan was scrapped then? No, thats still on the cards, on the grounds that we have more power than we need. Remember, that half million was for a study, not to do the job itself. Here's an idea - give me half a million dollars and I'll drain it - with a teaspoon if necessary, or by drinking it all and emptying my bladder on the other side of the dam wall.

In the mid 70's, the government tried to put a dam up on one of the world's last wilderness rivers, the famous Gordon. Public protest was overwhelming, so the government decided to hold a referendum to let the people decide. When the referendum came around, there were two choices: Will we dam the Gordon (a) below the Franklin, or (b) above the Olga. Many people wrote 'NO DAMS' across the ballot paper in protest. This made the vote informal. So many, in fact, wrote 'NO DAMS' that almost half the vote was informal. When the results were tallied, there weren't enough votes for either of the options to be valid, so all those 'informal' votes which had 'NO DAMS' on them were counted anyway - any sort of mark over either of the vote boxes was a vote for that dam. Anybody who went down to the organised protests was arrested for trespassing on public land.

In the news over the last couple of years is the Meander dam. This colossal waste of taxpayers money isn't for electricity, its to provide irrigation for between 5 and 10 farmers who say they can't continue to be viable without it. If they had to build the dam themselves, they could never hope to pay even a fraction of it off. So we, the taxpayers, pay for it instead. How does this make economic sense? If the benefit it provides will never pay for the cost of its construction, why build it? And does it mean we will be entitled to free meat and milk from these farmers from now on?

And there's more, in fact heaps more. Every dam in Tasmania's history has its story.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Map Fever


I have a few more maps ready for Lux. They all play pretty well but because of the 'one map per week' rule it will be a few weeks until you see them in Lux's Plugin Manager, so I may as well use the time to test-play them some more and maybe tweak a few things at the same time. From top to bottom, they are:

Monopoluxy - essentially four L-shaped corners with airports in the centre of each side giving accessibility and making them vulnerable if you don't leave fortification troops. Each L-shape contains positive AND negative bonuses, so to secure the full bonuses for the country group you can't help but pick up a negative or two as well. The top-left and bottom-right corners make a net of 5 bonus points each, and the bottom-left and top-right are worth 4 each if you don't own both munitions companies, or 5 each if you do.

Borg - An experiment in one-way columns, which I think was quite successful. It can be very challenging to play because the top bar, which you MUST go through to get from one column to the next, will make sure you get minimal income while you possess it. Towards the end of the game, this means no income at all so be sure you have enough men to clear the map, or else the last computer player will be gaining numbers on you.

Campus Capers - a romp around a College Campus, quite challenging because of the number of paths from one area to another.

Tasmania - I really like this one, my bit for tourism and a Lux map all rolled into one. The connecting roads are factual and as such there are a number of easily defended dead-ends at the southern end of the state, but this is compensated for by the fact that 3 of the 4 cities are in the north, and all cities are worth a bonus.