Sunday, June 18, 2006

Dear Doctor

I was reading a newspaper in the doctor's waiting room last week. Gee, its terrible about that Titanic sinking, isn't it? I was there long enough to catch 4 or 5 more diseases before His Honor deigned to see me. I'd come to have my eyesight checked, and after spending about half an hour explaining to him where my eyes were, he finally seemed to get the idea and dragged me out into the street, where he pointed upward.
"See that Sun up there?"
"Yeah", replied I.
"Well that's 150 million km away, how far do you want to be able to bloody well see!?"

I realised that it is, indeed, a long way to be able to see, so I gave up on eyesight, and decided to have my brain checked instead.
"Do you hear voices?" asked the Pyschiatrist.
"Yes, all the time."
"When was the last time you heard them?"
"About 10 seconds ago, when one said 'Do you hear voices?'"
"I meant voices no-one else hears!"
"Well possibly, how would I know, if I hear it, that somebody else doesn't?"
"Do you count things?"
"Yes, usually to 10 before losing my temper."
"Aha, suppressed aggression suggesting a possibility of going postal!"
"Uh no, suppressed desire to tell others just how stupid they really are."
"Superiority complex!"
"Well its not hard to have one when you're me."

Eventually we arrived at a correct diagnosis by looking my symptoms up on Google and pressing the "I'm feeling lucky" button. Unfortunately, the button turned out to be mis-labelled, as it transpired I had contracted EDTKM, or in layman's terms, Every Disease Known To Man. I was placed in a hospital room and am on a diet consisting exclusively of pizza and pancakes. Not that they have any benefit to my condition, but its the only food they can slide under the door.

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