Saturday, June 17, 2006

Kids Grounded

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of… kids!?

They warned me they were bored. I knew they'd had too much red cordial to drink. I thought I could control them. I even sent them to their room with nothing but a Bible to read, so they couldn't get into any trouble.

How was I to know they would turn straight to Exodus? Read about how Moses parted the Red Sea so the Children of Israel could escape from Egypt? Carefully read it step-by-step until they had worked out exactly what to do?

Tearing up their handkerchiefs and tying the pieces together to escape out the window, they headed for the local Bikie's Club and stole a couple of Harleys (I haven't even offered to pay the owners for the bikes yet, I'm too afraid to go near the Clubrooms!) They headed for the beach, where Kaitlyn calmly proceeded to part the waters of Bass Straight, then tore off to ride the 120 km to Melbourne. As soon as they arrived they ditched the bikes and starting toppling buildings over by kicking their foundations, and in the case of a particularly large skyscraper, by eating lots of cans of baked beans and farting the building down! Then they began to set fire to everything in sight!

I took off after them as soon as the Premier of Victoria rang me to say they were 'at it again' (it's happened before, up in Newcastle - we managed to convince the media at the time that it was an earthquake). I got halfway over the Strait when the kids realised I was coming and UN-parted the seas so I had to swim the rest of the way!

I finally managed to catch them and get the red cordial out of their system by giving them Happy Meals until they vomited (it took one meal each, not surprisingly), told them to have everything fixed and cleaned up before anyone that lived there noticed, and went to apologise to the Premier. Needless to say as soon as my back was turned the kids skived off home to play Playstation games, and when the sun came up this morning, Melbourne looked like the last photo at right. Strangely though, no-one in Melbourne noticed anything was different.

So that's why the kids are grounded. Not a word of a lie.

Stop 'medicalizing' bad behavior

Car Football

Now what could be cooler than playing football (soccer to you Yanks) with two teams of CARS and an OVERSIZED BALL? Not much I reckon! Courtesy of the British motoring program 'Top Gear', head over to my YouTube vlog for a video you'll probably show all your friends…

Top Gear's car football match

Aussie Kids Independent

Monday, June 12th, 2006

Two Australian kids drove their family car for nearly 100 km to visit their grandfather, police said Monday. The brothers, aged ten and six years, drove the car from their home at Boggabilla in northern New South Wales state to Moree, more than 100 km away, Sunday. They reached speeds of 90 km per hour on one of Australia’s busiest heavy transport routes.

Passing truck drivers saw the young faces behind the wheel and called the police. The boys had travelled about 85 km before police stopped them. They pulled over and immediately jumped into their normal places in the back seat. 'They're only kids, I guess they thought that would work' said a police officer.

The tearful pair was taken to Moree police station where police admonished them before they were united with their grandfather. 'The boy now understands that he isn't to drive until he's old enough to get a license' said a police spokeman.

The remarkable thing about it of course is that it was only the young face behind the wheel which attracted any attention. The boy wasn't driving erratically or in any noticably bad way, so there was nothing to attract the police's attention. Of course, when he is old enough to get a licence he'll attract all the attention police can spare, on the general principal that anyone under 25 with the cheek to have a drivers licence, especially if he drives with a girl or two in the car, must automatically be waiting until the police disappear around the corner so he can do doughnuts, leave rubber all over the road, turn the music up to 500 decibels, knock down 2 dozen beers and a few joints and ram-raid a couple of ATM's before hit-and-running old grannies (who, lets face it, should be home in bed anyway). And of course, woe betide ANY driver with the gall to be out after midnight. That's just asking to be booked for something!

Ah, the upright guardians of our society, ever vigilant on behalf of… whom, exactly!?

Police too busy watching soccer match to catch robbers

sPillng cHckre

Just to explain for those who can't work out the who what why where when or how of my URL - quite simply, the blogspot name worldweirdweb was already taken, even though it hasn't been updated in two years. So I registered mine as worldwierdweb - its deliberately misspelled.

Who? Blame Jennifer (owner of the correctly-spelled worldweirdweb blog).
What? Weird is spelled weird not wierd.
Why? Explained above.
Where? In the address bar above, duh!
When? Amazingly, every time you look at it, it's still the same! Eerie!
How? By the miraculous use of alphabraeic technology using spooneristic algorithms for reassessment of visual criteria.

The other, correctly-spelled worldweirdweb blog

Friday, June 16, 2006

Bash a PC Today

Frustrated with your PC? Who wouldn't be!? Bash a PC today, and show M$ what you think of the world's 'most secure' (ROFL!) operating system! No I'm not kidding, they said it!

PC bashing fun!

Tassie in Winter

It gets a little cold here in Tassie this time of year, a good frost on the ground this morning. It didn't stop a baby wombat coming to visit, though (that bundle of grey fur in Kierran's arms), or a yellow-tailed black cockatoo ripping the bark off the gum tree outside the window, looking for grubs under the bark. Bring on summer though! Brrrrrrr.

It looks like Kierran has decided not to go out and destroy the City at this stage. I guess he must be having too much fun on MY computer keeping ME OFF IT! Still, he could just be saving all his energy for one terrible amazing destructive explosion of devastation…You know how these kids can be when they drink too much red cordial! I'll keep you posted.

Discover Tasmania
Tasmania - Eye on the Forests
Tourism Tasmania
Tasmania Online

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Hard to be Humble

For those who have asked, the lines in my header are from the Mac Davis song, 'Hard to Be Humble'…

Oh Lord it's hard to be humble,
When you're perfect in every way.
I can't wait to look in the mirror,
Cuz I get better lookin each day.
To know me is to love me;
I must be a hell of a man!
Oh Lord it's hard to be humble,
But I'm doin' the best that I can.

I used to have a girlfriend,
But I guess she just couldn't compete
With all these love starved women
Who keep clamoring at my feet.
Well I probably could find me another,
But I guess they're all in awe of me.
Who cares I never get lonesome,
Cuz I treasure my own company.

I guess you could say I am a loner,
A cowboy all locked up and proud;
Well I could have lots of friends if I wanted to,
But then I wouldn't stand out in a crowd.
Some folks say that I'm egotistical,
Hell I don't even know what that means;
I guess it has something to do with the way
That I fill out my skin tight blue jeans.

Mac Davis sings "Hard to be Humble"

Warning - Kiddles

The blog might not be updated for a few days, the Kiddles are here for the weekend and they usually hog the computer from me AND steal the DVD player as well. You never know though, Kierran says he's going out to destroy the city and Kaitlyn has an evil look on her face too… and an evil laugh! Moohoohaha!

Note to Self: Could it be they're picking up my sense of humour? Poor things…

Ryan Doubts

I can't believe it. As if its not bad enough that a Tasmanian devil burned down our barn last night and killed over 3,000 of the 15,000 head of cattle we run on our 100 acre property, now a guy from Calgary, Alberta (Canada) calls into question my report of the horrific events of last night, claiming devils don't spin and aren't that big! Well obviously living on the other side of the planet and being an engineer would make you an expert on Tasmanian fauna, Ryan, but to prove the point I include in this post a genuine unedited (I've never even heard of Photoshop anyway) photo of a man being terrorised by a devil in the bush. If you look carefully you can also see the Great Zarquon, Ruler of the Universe, watching, perhaps about to intervene to save this poor mortal? I don't know, it wasn't me that took the photo, it arrived on my desk this morning from the future. According to the accompanying quasi-holographic sticky-note, I needed to post it on my blog to prove that I was right and Ryan wrong, or else the entire fabric of space/time/future/past would come unravelled when Ryan, wearing such a big smile for thinking he was right that he can't properly see where he's going, fails to see a butterfly when he goes for a walk later this afternoon and, stepping on it, alters the future so that eventually the Drrgjni (whoever they are/will be) conquer the Earth Empire and we all become slaves (or so the note said anyway). Perhaps that's why Zarquon is in the photo, to make sure I post it. Anyway, mine is not to reason why. For the sake of all human existence, I've posted the photo. You can thank me later.

Ryan's "Everything you ever wanted to know" blog

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Devil Disaster

We've had an 'interesting' if costly night, thanks to our old friend, a Tasmanian devil. They may look cute in the picture I used as a logo on this blog, but real-life devils are nothing like that Warner Bros character (photo 5 - file photo, not the devil that came through last night).

The annual migration of devils from King Island in the far northwest of the state to the southwest protected area is a dangerous time but by means of concrete culverts on the beaches the devils are herded down safely fenced lanes and generally don't impact much on property. Occasionally, as happened last night, one will swim too far east. This has happened only 3 times in the 15 years I've had the farm, but its dangerous when it happens. This one came ashore north of us last night, crossing our property on its way inland and leaving a swathe of devastation behind. You can see its very clear trail in the aerial photo 1, taken this morning.

Spinning at speeds up to 120 km/hr, this one churned up a very distinct path where it went. It also ran smack into our bottom barn, and with the friction their rotations cause, the hay caught fire in seconds (photo 3). There was nothing we could do to save the barn even though we were on the scene inside a minute - thanks to the high pitched scream something like a jet turbine on overload we knew he was on the property the second he got in our hearing range.

Leaving our property minus a barn but thankfully missing our house and dairy, he travelled alongside the highway for a bit then headed toward the Kelcey Tier greenbelt, a belt of forest, and one of the local newspapers took a good aerial shot showing his path through the trees (photo 2). From there he went past the outskirts of Sheffille, narrowly missing a house but knocking over a power pole before going straight through the trunk of an old oak near Manchausen's farm, onto the road where some cars were damaged (photo 4). This always happens when a devil gets anywhere near a road, people panic even though they should know they're relatively safe inside their vehicles. The migrating devil may damage or in rare cases tear off panels from a car but they have never been known to tear their way into the cab. Still people panic.

Authorities are out looking for the devil this morning, hoping to herd it westward into the devil lanes which are especially constructed to withstand them and which lead to the southwest conservation area. Personally, I'm down one barn and the insurance companies don't cover Acts of Tasmanian Devils, so I won't mind if some brave truckie sees it and tries to run it down. I'll even buy him a beer if he succeeds.

Fake fact of the day

Identity Crisis

And now must we turn our own prophesying unto ourselves, for verily, we have become the Intel Users, and lo, we shall be cast out for the taking thereof. For that great whore, Babylon, shall rise up in a new version called Vista, and the children of Mac shall install it for a laugh; but though the fruit of the Mac be sweet and that of Vista foul, yet still hath the Mac no part of itself installed called Solitaire, and the children of Jobs shall be tempted once, twice and seven times seven times to partake, and they shall forget from whence they came, and Solitaire shall rule their hearts. And their chant of oh-sex, oh-sex, oh-sex shall be heard no more. And Babylon shall produce more Service Packs, and the children of the Apple, the sons of Jobs, shall be lost forever.

But there shall arise at that time a man, who shall lead the children back to the Promised System, and the Vic-20 shall once more rule.

King Kong

I've just been watching Steven Jackson's new King Kong movie and found that if you pause the movie towards the end, and use your frame advance to carefully move forward one frame at a time, you see for a fraction of a second a bit of the movie that doesn't look like Jurassic Park 4. Weird!

Should King Kong be PG-13?

Zarquon Speaks

Just got a letter from the Great Zarquon, Ruler of the Universe and all-round Numero Uno Deity (this is satire, we all know God is The Man, we don't want to get into trouble from the Christians here at World Wierd Web). He's apparently not very happy that we've been stuffing the planet around, melting the ice he had set aside for the Armaggedon party, burning all the oil he left there for the lamps, and dropping crap into his oceanwide swimming pool. He also mentioned he didn't like Woody Allen much but then who does? Anyway, he says 'STOP IT' or else he'll kick our donkeys, if I'm translating this right. Not entirely sure of the exact wording, I translated it using some plates I borrowed off Joseph Smith and they keep changing the meaning of the same words every time I use them (but obviously I don't mind dissing the Mormons). Anyway, the general gist is clear, we have to behave ourselves from now on. Oh, and send lots of money to me personally. Yeah I'm pretty sure of that part of the translation.

Just thought I should mention it. Could be important.

After the oil runs out

To Be a Tree

(Suitable nature music plays in the background. A seed breaks through the ground and stretches feebles shoots toward the life-giving sun)

Wow, isn't life fantastic! Feel that sun! And the water in the ground, wow, it feels soooo good. I'm growing, I'm alive. Hi breeze, you feel great! Let me sway a bit in you? Aaah. Sunshine, you are so warm!

Wow, I grew up a lot. Its wonderful to be a tree and to feel the sun. I'm sheltering all sorts of birds and animals in my limbs too, not to mention the insects! I'm strong, I'm soooo alive! Basking in life! Wow!

Here comes a human! Hi, want to climb me? Want to tie some rope round my limbs and make a swing for your child? I don't mind, life is good! What's… that? Chainsaw? What's that for… AAAAAAAAAARRRRGG OH MY GOD YOU'RE CUTTING ME IN HALF AAAAAARGH I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS OH MY GOD I CAN'T FEEL MY ROOTS ANY MORE AAAAAAAAAAAARRR I'M FALLING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRR

Oh God what have you done to me, you've cut off my roots, felled me! I'm dying, I can feel it! Can't feel the sun anymore… what are you putting me on that truck for, can't you leave me alone? No maybe you'll take me to a tree hospital, why have you done this to me…?


Somehow I still have consciousness. What are you dumping all the pieces of me into this tank and drowning them!? That bleach stings! OUCH! And AAAARGH crushing me as well!? I'm WHAT now? Paper!? Toilet paper!? What's that? You're putting me on a roll and hanging me on the wall in a small room…


Darkness. Smelly dank fetid water everywhere. Millions of crushed remnants of other trees… So this is the rest of my life is it? From beautiful forest glen to black-as-night sewer…

How could you do this to me?

Planet Ark National Tree Day, 30th July 2006


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