Driving Us Mad

Our roads have been in the News a lot this last week - specifically, that people are driving too damn fast on them. The Advocate this week published a list of the worst offenders of recent months, such as the guy doing 152 kmph in an 80 zone, a P-plater (Provisional driver) with an 80 limit clocked at 135, the motorcycle doing 175 in an 80 zone, to name just a few. To be fair, a lot of these worst incidents happen on open highway areas which have only recently had their speed limits reduced, such as the Bass Highway near Latrobe, which for no sane reason anyone can think of has had an 80 limit placed on one 200 metre long section of it. It would be unfair of me to suggest that the stretch in question is an ideal one for speed cameras, with much natural cover. To even contemplate the idea that speed cameras are nothing more than a callous money-making scheme, or that the Department of Roads and Transport would arbitrarily assign speed limits based not on safety concerns but solely on expected revenue-raising potential, would be a terrible thing to do. We all know that the Department is professional and thorough, despite this week's revelations that the Department's official manual for those learning to drive, the Learner-Drivers' Bible if you will, contains at least 185 errors, 65 of which could cause accident or death if followed as stated (such as telling the learner to drive on the wrong side of the road when turning right!) The dedication of our police force, too, to responsible and safe driving, should never be questioned, and our sympathies go out to the six police officers hurt in this week's unfortunate collision between two unmarked police cars, around midnight on a lonely stretch of highway near Brisbane. Don't think for a moment that a game of 'Chicken' was in progress.

Six Police Officers Hurt
Clocked at 205 kmph - 125 Over His 80 Limit


Still, it obviously doesn't happen only in Australia - this English cop has been given a discharge (but no fine or jail) for doing 159 miles per hour (that's 254!! kmph - about 40 kmph faster than the maximum speed I ever did on my Yamaha XS-1100), caught by his own onboard camera:

Police Officer Discharged

Another Century

I just realised that today's post is another century. My first was 100 visitors, of course, and now I've reached that amazing milestone (kilometre-stone?), 100 articles. Yes folks, this is Post #100 for World Wierd Web. And what better way of celebrating the fact than with a 'Top 100' list. But what of? What else, but the…

Top 100 List of Top 100 Lists!

100. Top 100 "Cigarette Burn" Moments
99. Top 100 Films Where The Earth Is Destroyed
98. Top 100 Key Grips
97. Top 100 Movies Based On Television Shows
96. Top 100 Performances By Actors Or Actresses Who Worked Despite An Injury On The Set
95. Top 100 Films That Never Made It To The Theater And Ended Up With Just One Copy In Someone's Vault For Decades
94. Top 100 Most Impressive Mustaches
93. Top 100 Outrageous Accents
92. Top 100 Shots Of The World Trade Center
91. Top 100 Dogfights
90. Top 100 Characters That Are 180 Degrees Politically From The Person Portraying Them, But They Do It Anyway For The Paycheck
89. Top 100 Performances By A Midget
88. Top 100 Decapitations
87. Top 100 Movies Entirely Ruined By Giving Away A Single Spoiler From The Plot
86. Top 100 Smoking Moments With Stars Who Eventually Died From Lung Cancer Or Emphysema
85. Top 100 Scenes Where A Character Has A Bad Experience With Crazy Glue
84. Top 100 Intermissions
83. Top 100 Most Amusing Portrayals Of Zero Gravity
82. Top 100 Drunks
81. Top 100 Great Horror Movies Followed By Crappy Sequels
80. Top 100 Fruit Stands Demolished In Car Chases
79. Top 100 Portrayals Of Executions
78. Top 100 Winces By A Hero While His Wounds Are Treated By A Hot Chick
77. Top 100 Re-enactments Of The United Nations As Something Other Than An Irrelevant Anti-American Dictator's Fantasy
76. Top 100 Computer Geeks
75. Top 100 Pimps
74. Top 100 Performances By A Smoke Alarm
73. Top 100 References To What's Under A Scotsman's Kilt
72. Top 100 Dramatic Sports Events Ending In A Tie
71. Top 100 Scenes In Elevators Where They Leave Through The Hatch
70. Top 100 Fights Where Someone Breaks A Bottle On A Bar
69. Top 100 Spontaneous Musical Numbers Without Any Explanation Whatsoever
68. Top 100 Lightning Strikes
67. Top 100 Weirdest Uses For Matrix-like Bullet-Time
66. Top 100 Films Where Route 66 Is Featured, But It's Obviously Not The Real Route 66
65. Top 100 Improper Uses Of A Fire Extinguisher
64. Top 100 Deliberately Altered Product Labels
63. Top 100 Appearances Of The Devil
62. Top 100 Assistants To Mad Scientists
61. Top 100 Performances By Actors Or Actresses In Wheelchairs
60. Top 100 Sequences Of Blinking Lights On Machinery
59. Top 100 Sneezes
58. Top 100 Locations Where The Actors Appear To Park Where No Parking Places Actually Exist
57. Top 100 Attempts To Make Vancouver Look Like Another City Because It's Cheaper To Film In Vancouver
56. Top 100 Things In A Car's Trunk
55. Top 100 Robots
54. Top 100 Performances By An Actor Or Actress With Their Mouth Full
53. Top 100 Eskimos
52. Top 100 Portrayals Of A Union Laborer As Anything Other Than Unhelpful Or Grouchy
51. Top 100 Coin Tosses
50. Top 100 Performances By A Shadow
49. Top 100 Uses Of A Crutch For Something Other Than Assisting In Walking
48. Top 100 Scenes At A Gas Station
47. Top 100 Tattoos
46. Top 100 Science Fiction Movies Not Based On A Philip K. Dick Novel Or Short Story
45. Top 100 French Maids
44. Top 100 Moments When A Brief Appearance By Batman Probably Could Have Helped Settle Matters A Lot Quicker
43. Top 100 Arrows-Splitting-Arrows-In-The-Bullseye Moments
42. Top 100 Doorbell Chimes
41. Top 100 Comatose Characters
40. Top 100 Uses Of A Musical Instrument By An Actor Or Actress That Can Actually Play The Thing
39. Top 100 Really Obvious Blatant Product Placements
38. Top 100 Trailers Provided To Actors And Actresses During Filming
37. Top 100 Vanity License Plates In Film
36. Top 100 Films Where A Character Is Shown At Different Ages But Different Actors Are Used To "Age" The Character And The Actors Actually Somewhat Resemble Each Other
35. Top 100 Scenes Where A Character Can't See Because They Lost Or Broke Their Glasses, Or They Lost A Contact Lens
34. Top 100 Flying Cars
33. Top 100 "I've never driven a car before/I've never had sex before/I've never drank beer before" Moment, And They Turn Out To Be Great At It
32. Top 100 Marathons Where Someone Other Than A Kenyan Or Tanzanian Wins
31. Top 100 Really Big Afros
30. Top 100 Funny Moments That Aren't Really Funny 20 Years Later When Nobody Gets The Reference
29. Top 100 Strategic Placements Of Bubbles In A Bathtub
28. Top 100 Makeup Artists Who Used Nothing Other Than A Felt-Tipped Marker And A Meat Tenderizer
27. Top 100 Arrests On The Set
26. Top 100 Cooking Performances By An Actress Who Has Probably Never Used A Kitchen In Her Life
25. Top 100 Performances By A Dog
24. Top 100 Fades To Black
23. Top 100 Reviews By Film Critics
22. Top 100 Stunt Performances By Midgets In Place Of A Child Star
21. Top 100 Movies That Start Off Really Good But Totally Lose It At Some Point
20. Top 100 Uses Of A Waterslide To Simulate Careening Through Caverns Or Down A Hill
19. Top 100 Jibber Jabber That Passes For A Foreign Language
18. Top 100 Sources For Really, Really Good Drugs
17. Top 100 Portrayals Of A Historical Figure By Someone Who Looks And Sounds Nothing Like Them
16. Top 100 Most Impressive Reactions To Briefcases Containing A Lot Of Money Being Opened
15. Top 100 Epic Journeys Summarized By A Montage
14. Top 100 Announcements Run In the Theater To Remind People To Silence Their Cell Phones
13. Top 100 Ending Credits
12. Top 100 Performances By A Ninja
11. Top 100 Incredibly Dramatic Crossings Of An International Border
10. Top 100 Dramatic References To The 555 Telephone Exchange
9. Top 100 Movies Where It Was All Just A Dream
8. Top 100 Balcony Views
7. Top 100 Performances By Actors Or Actresses Who Died During Filming
6. Top 100 Earthquakes Or Space Vehicle Flight Disruptions Where Just The Camera Shakes And The Actors Stumble Around
5. Top 100 Performances By A Really, Really Fat Person
4. Top 100 Portrayals of Nazis
3. Top 100 Transformations Into Werewolves Or Aliens
2. Top 100 Shots Of An Actress' Bare Back, But You Never See Her Tatas

…and the number 1 Top 100 List of all time:
1. Top 100 Countdowns On An Explosive Device Which Never Reach Zero

Dame Edna Honoured

Comedy can be hard to define. Usually, people find the unexpected funny, and essentially that's what a joke is - an anecdote with a twist at the end, an unexpected finish. Years ago just saying 'Bum!' on stage would have brought riotous laughter, because it's precisely that "you can't say that in public" act which causes people to laugh. The trouble is, society changes, and as things which would have been taboo years ago become part of mainstream conversation, then they no longer make you laugh. And different societies find things funny which others don't, because every society has different moral standards. Take, for example, the study over the last few years which tried to find the funniest joke ever, and ended up concluding that every nation had a different funniest joke. The end result was to declare Spike Milligan the funniest man ever, and yet the joke which Spike tells as the funniest one he ever heard ('Is he dead?… He is now!'), didn't even raise a smile amongst the people I talked to about it.

Things change. Comedians need new, updated, socially-relevant now-not-then, material all the time, and that's precisely why Barry Humphries isn't funny, and hasn't been for most of his career. Barry has played the part of a number of characters - Aussie bloke Bazza Mackenzie, the grandfatherly Sandy Stone, unionist Lance Boyle, the horrific cultural attaché Sir Les Patterson, and of course, Dame Edna Everage. Dame Edna started off as an ordinary suburban housewife, but somewhere along the way, as Barry Humphries failed to get the stardom he wanted, Dame Edna became his alternate ego, began declaring him/herself as a gigastar, and all but dropped all the other characters. To be sure, some of the early Dame Edna stuff was amusing, but there's only one thing more pathetic than a comedian who never comes up with new material, and that's one who drops all of his old stuff and sticks to the one joke forever more. That's Barry Humphies in a nutshell. I'm no prude - I find a lot of comedians funny, from Billy Connelly to Paul Hogan and even the Chaser himself - but Barry Humphries just makes me sad, because beneath the cross-dressing megastar image of Dame Edna is the very unfulfilled life of a no-one who never went anywhere. Forget the Keys to the City of Melbourne, give him a season pass to the nearest suicide booth - and thank God our kids will never have to put up with him.

BBC News Story
Dame Edna Official Website
Barry Humphries Bigraphy

Some employer's have taken advantage of Australia's new industrial relations legislation to change of few of the existing workplace practices which annoy them the most.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Death (Own)
Any worker found dead at their desk will be promptly fired. All deaths will need to be applied for in advance and will only be approved if your can show that your death will not affect productivity.

Death (Others)
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements instead. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for late afternoon so that you can work through your lunch hour and leave one hour early.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls, and at the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the toilet will flush upwards. The stall door will open, and a picture will be taken which will be posted on the company bulletin board.

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, and even that may be too much.

Launch of USS Lionhart

In a few days my latest Lux map, USS Lionhart, will be uploaded. This is possibly my favourite map so far, and definitely the hardest to do, entailing some 4 or 5 hours of high-zoom detailed architectural drawing in Adobe InDesign. Even though all I needed for the final output was a 72 dpi (screen resolution) image, in order to get it looking right when transparency layers were made, I needed good resolution originals to work from. There are many sets of deck plans available on the web for ships such as USS Enterprise, but these are copyrighted to Paramount Pictures - in order to be able to use the idea in Lux it needed to be a totally original creation. The end result? Pretty good I think. Click on the pictures below for better look at the final product, and some of the detailed work that went into it!

Shed Stand-Off

A 46-year-old man has been charged after a stand-off with police in north Queensland. Police declared an emergency situation after the man allegedly barricaded himself in a shed armed with a gun about midnight (AEST) in the Townsville suburb of Garbutt. Police allege he voluntarily came out about 9 am today and was taken to hospital for a minor injury sustained inside the shed. The man was charged with serious obstruction, unlicensed possession of a weapon, dangerous conduct with a weapon and possession of a weapon under the influence of liquor. He will appear in Townsville Magistrates Court tomorrow.

What is it with these standoffs and sieges? A man can stay inside his house for a month and no-one even notices, but as soon as he actually refuses to come out, its a siege situation and the house, or shed in this case, is surrounded by a hundred bored SWAT guys playing 'pin the hollowpoint on the perp'. What a sight it must have been to see a small backyard shed surrounded. Well, allegedly surrounded, perhaps. After all, the man only allegedly barricaded himself in the shed, but definitely with a gun. He may or may not have come out about 9 am, but was definitely taken to hospital. Could be a bit of a problem if it turns out he was still inside the shed when they took him to the hospital… but it would explain the 'minor' injury - accidentally melding atoms with the shed to produce a sort of man/shed hybrid would have to hurt a little bit. That would explain why he was charged with [being a] serious obstruction, unlicensed possession of a weapon (the government refuses all applications from buildings of any sort to own a gun), and dangerous conduct (he opened his door into the face of a police officer, perhaps?) But come on, the charge of possessing a weapon under the influence of liquor is just plain ridiculous - what will become of Australia's hunter-heroes and weekend warriors if they can't partake of both hobbies simultaneously!? What sort of weekend will it be when all those legend-in-their-own-mind gun-toting maniacs with big inferiority complexes and small… er… cars are no longer allowed to, in the words of Weird Al Yankovic, “get all liquored up and shoot at anything that moves”?

Man Charged After Stand-Off

Hysterical History

Its been a landmark week in Australian education, with a national summit deciding its time we got rid of all the socially-contextual values-laden sludge which comprises the Social Studies curriculum in Australian schools. In a few shorts words, we're going to start teaching history in history from now on, not platitudes which “enable students, teachers and the broader school community to be critically informed about privilege and injustice”, or “enable students to develop the ability to critically analyse social structures that unjustly disadvantage some individuals or groups, and investigate events concerning societies and environments by applying socio-cultural and socio-critical inquiries emphasising social justice, ecological and economic sustainability, and peace.” No, I didn't make those phrases up - they are the stated aims of the current Queensland history curriculum. Under that current sort of criteria, Captain Cook has to be described as a white racist oppressor, and the Eureka Stockade as a nation-forming revolution of the masses overthrowing clear injustices.

But let's be clear on this: one of the main reasons that Australian history has, over the years, been minimised in the curriculum is that, quite simply put, there isn't much real history to teach. The early law and police force in Australia, the Rum Corps, were a group of corrupt alcoholics and thieves who tried to establish their own empire by force. The Eureka Stockade, so commonly described as above, was really nothing more than a 3 or 4 hour brawl involving a few drunken miners who tipped over a couple of carts and thumbed their nose at the authorities. When the authorities arrived they breached the so-called 'stockade' in two minutes and arrested the drunken yobbo's. And Burke & Wills, the famous explorers of the interior of Australia, were so inept that without the help of the aboriginals they wouldn't have made it out of the city in the first place.

How do I know all this? Because I was taught Australian history at school. Don't get me wrong, I think it's a great idea to start teaching it again. But for goodness sake tell it like it really was, and save the over-exaggerated rhetoric for Hollywood.

Let's Have History, Not Sludge

So There!

Employees in the Australian Capital Territory have been warned they face jail if they leak confidential information to the media. "Put simply, it is a criminal offence to disclose confidential information and carries a substantial fine, or jail, or both," said a memo from ACT Public Service Chief Mike Harris, adding he was disappointed by the numerous "unprofessional" and "inappropriate" leaks.

Newspapers were able to quote the memo exactly since it was leaked to them the same day it was issued.

This is True

Lest We Forget

Vietnam Veterans Association of Australia
Song: Jimmy Barnes Khe Sahn
Song: Redgum A Walk in the Green (aka I Was Only Nineteen)

What's Green, Brown and Pale?

Greens Party leader Bob Brown has had his attempt to get the Senate to establish an inquiry into the religious group, The Exclusive Brethren, rejected by 59 votes to 4. He argues that the Exclusive Brethren are secretive, abusive towards ex-members, and he suspects it has links to the Liberal Party. He's upset that in recent elections, the group has taken out full-page anti-Green advertisements in Tasmanian papers, even though the group are forbidden from voting. But Senator Eric Abetz of the Liberals says that Bob Brown has raised no allegations of illegal activity against them, and the push for an enquiry is just an attempt at payback. In his opinion, the motion vilifying the Exclusive Brethren marks a new low in Australian politics. And Labor and the Democrats seem to agree, since they also voted against Senator Brown's motion.

Certainly the Brethren are secretive and a fairly closed group. They reject technology including radio, television and computers, and many other aspects of modern lifestyle, and believe themselves to be the exclusive people saved to Heaven. They meet for prayer meetings every day, and on Sundays pretty much all day. Their women have their heads covered in public, and they deal as much as possible with other Brethren instead of the wider public.

But does any of this justify an attempt at a Senate inquiry? The fact is that any Australian citizen or group has the right to advertise as long as they pay the bill, and so long as an Authorizing Person is listed on the ad if it is a political one. Does Bob Brown then think that because they don't vote, they shouldn't be allowed to comment on politics? I don't know many Brethren, but I have known a number of Jehovah's Witnesses - their belief system also tells them they aren't allowed to vote. Mormons likewise. But I've known Jehovah's Witnesses who do vote, despite this, and I'm sure there are Brethren who do as well. And if not voting was grounds for not being allowed to comment, what then of the United States electoral system, which is non-compulsory and usually gets a pretty poor percentage turnout compared to Australian elections. Are all those who don't vote in the US not supposed to talk politics?

As to the secrecy, because they reject technology, there isn't a lot of information to be found on the internet about them, and what there is, is usually published by an ex-member who obviously gives a slanted view. But the information is there, for those who care to look for it. And as to the charge of rejecting ex-members, what group doesn't? Jehovah's Witnesses are notorious for cutting off completely anybody who leaves them, as are Mormons and a hundred other fringe groups. Even the local Footy or Apex club is likely to have little to do with those who they have been practically family with, who then choose to reject them and go their own way. That's not evil abusive rejection, it's just human nature.

The fact is that Dr Bob Brown, leader of the Greens in Tasmania, is a self-confessed homosexual, and by the strict standards of belief of the Brethren, he is going to Hell, a very real place where he will live for eternity in burning torture. And his party, like all fringe parties, must take on all causes to swell the numbers of its supporters. The Greens came to power on the basis of environmental protection in Tasmania, and soon became outspoken on any issue that had a few supporters attached to it, as a quick list of their official policies and initiatives shows:

Aboriginal Affairs, Affordable Housing, Agriculture, Ambulance, Arts, Child Protection Initiative, Coastal Integrity, Democracy and Participation, Dentist, Early Intervention, Economic Development, Education, Employment, Energy Wise, Environment Rescue Package, Forests, Gambling, Health, Housing, Industrial Manslaughter, Industrial Relations and Workers Compensation, Justice, Lyons Electorate, Planning, Police and Weapon Control, Protected Areas World Heritage and Wilderness, Smoking, Tourism, Transport, Treasury and Finance, Visitor Scheme, Waste, Water Policy Funding, Wine Industry Initiative, Women, Worker's Compensation Initiative, Youth

Someone needs to explain to the Greens the meaning of the phrase, "Jack of all trades, Master of none." By continually taking on each and every cause that will get them a few more voters, the Greens lose all credibility as impartial thinkers who base their decisions on an intelligent analysis of the facts. If there was a new factory at Whoop-Whoop announced today, tomorrow there would be a press release from the Greens saying what a terrible thing it will be for everyone. This sort of attitude keeps you in front of the reporters and their cameras, but it doesn't make for much trust in them. That's why they've been solidly pounded at every election in recent history.

The Greens need to get back to basics. They need to remember what it was that got them elected in the first place - it sure wasn't battery hens, immigration or transsexual nazi eskimos. If they can remember what brought them to power in the first place, if they can "return to their first love", to put it in Biblical terms, perhaps then the public might return them to the position of power they once held in this State.

ABC Online Senate Rejects Inquiry
Tasmanian Greens Policies
Wikipedia - About the Exclusive Brethren

True Trivia

In the early days of the colonization of Africa, a British cartographer surveying the country pointed at a tall mountain and asked his guide "What is that called?" That's how Africa came to have a mountain whose name, roughly translated, is "Mount Your-Finger-You-Idiot."

Alright, maybe not, but it makes a good joke. However, there is a lake in Africa which translates as 'Lake Lake', because when the cartographer pointed and asked what it was called, that's what the word the native gave him turned out to mean. Just goes to show, even back then locals enjoyed making fools of the tourists.

Guide to Australian Language

How are you? - "Still alive I see?"
Good - "Not bad"
Terrible - "Can't complain"
I like you - "You stupid bastard"
I hate you - "Is that right?"
I love you - "Piss off"
May I have a beer? - "Chuck a tinnie at me, mate"
May I have another beer? - "Hey, you alseep over there or what?"
Thanks for the beer - "About time"
May I date you? - "What about it then?"
May I marry you? - "Suppose we should be hitched"
I'm pregnant - "Too late mate"
Goodbye - "See ya"

Up North

Australia is about the same size as the USA, but it's founders didn't see the point of dividing it up into more than six states because no-one can survive in most of it anyway - or so they thought. One hundred years after Federation, our population has spread from one end of the island continent to the other. If you read my early blog article about life on the Speewah cattle station and thought it was exaggeration - well, you were right, but its only just exaggeration.

In the Northern Territory and northern Western Australia, things are so far apart doctors do make house calls - by plane. The Royal Flying Doctor Service does the rounds every day of the year, and leaves medical packs with all the contents numbered, so that consultations can be conducted by radio when they're not around. Not so long ago, a man's pregnant wife was ill so the doctor told him to give her a number 7 tablet. The man checked and there were none left, so he gave her three 2's and a 1. She survived. Kids also use the radio to 'attend' school, and cattle are usually rounded up by helicopters. When a farmer up there calls a glass of water a flood, he's not completely joking - some places they haven't had a single drop of rain for 20 years. In these parts its not unusual for every single resident of the district to turn out to a weekly dance or movie, even though for some of them its a two-day drive there and back. Trucks are called road trains, eighteen-wheelers with up to ten trailers on behind, and in every load they carry as much beer as groceries. And spare a moment to pity the two station-hands whose vehicle broke down a year or two ago, and who died trying to walk back to the station.

The tales of the Speewah I blogged previously were tall tales, definitely, but maybe not as tall as some of the men and women who really live 'Up North'.

Driving Around

Officers have charged a man after he was detected travelling at nearly three times the speed limit in Sydney’s west today. Just before 2am, officers from Macquarie Fields Highway Patrol observed a green Ford Falcon XR8 travelling at 160kmh in a 60kmh zone on Cleopatra Drive, Rosemeadow. The vehicle stopped a short time later and the driver allegedly ran from the vehicle. After a short foot pursuit officers arrested the man. The 21-year-old Raby man was subsequently charged with drive vehicle recklessly/furiously or speed/manner dangerous. He has been bail refused to appear before Parramatta Bail Court today.

News reports of acts like this always give me a laugh because of the language they are couched in to avoid slander, libel and general criticism. The police always allege this or that, when they watched the whole thing and know damn well who did what. If there's any doubt, the question needs to be asked - when will the police stop chasing innocent victims and start chasing the real criminals - the cars that cause this sort of incident!? We're forever reading in the papers how a man was travelling in a car when the car veered to the other side, causing an accident, or how police observed a vehicle behaving in a strange manner. According to the reporter in the story above, it wasthe car travelling at 3 times the limit, not the driver - clearly he himself wasn't even capable of that sort of speed, because when he got out of the car and ran off on foot (after the car stopped), they soon caught up with him. Perhaps, in these days of libel and slander laws, they should be more careful and say that an alleged car was allegedly detected supposedly travelling at maybe 3 times the generally-accepted limit, possibly in Sydney's west, probably today.

We have a definite advantage here in Australia when it comes to driving, since we're one of only a few countries that drive on the correct side of the road. How all those Americans don't run into each other all the time has me puzzled!

If you're planning on visiting Australia and driving yourself around, remember these simple rules:
1. The left side is the right side.
2. The right side is the wrong side.
3. At any intersection, the biggest vehicle has right of way.
4. A yellow traffic light means floor it or you won't get through this intersection.
5. A red traffic light means you've only got another second or so to go through.
6. In Melbourne, to turn right, stop in the left lane.
7. In Sydney, turn any way you like as long as it gets you out of the city.
8. In Northern Territory, turn any way you like because roads and paddocks look much the same.
9. Any time you see Christmas lights flashing, it's probably the police behind you.
10. Any time you see the Easter bunny, you probably shouldn't have had that last drink.

And a special warning about driving in the Northern Territory. Things are so far apart up there that most drivers change their model of car at every service station, not just their oil. Road trains (eighteen-wheeler trucks with anything up to ten trailers being towed behind) use the same road as you and never drop below a hundred miles an hour, so if you see one in your mirror (if you check it often you should get a couple of seconds' warning), get out of the way, fast. The bull-bars on the front of those rigs are designed to push real-size bulls out of the way, as well as kangaroos, fences, stalled cars and the occasional mountain. And don't think he's going too fast, either - up north is the only place in Australia where the speed limit is 'no limit', because if it wasn't, no-one would make it down to their local and back at night before they had to be up for work in the morning.

There's lots more that could be said about driving in Australia, but what's the point? Your chances of having an accident while driving yourself around Australia are so close to 100% that the difference isn't worth betting last Sunday's collection plate on. But what can we expect when all you tourists learn to drive on the wrong side of the road back home?

15 Minutes of Fame, Part 1

It was Mark Twain who said, “I don't care what they say about me as long as they spell my name right” - which is strange, because his name was actually spelled S…A…M…U…E…L…C…L…E…M…E…N…T…S. Andy Warhol said that in the future everyone would have 15 minutes of fame, and how true those words turned out to be in these days of text blogs, YouTube personal video posts, and forums. The guys at the Lux forums have got keen on the idea of reviewing maps themselves over the last day or two, an idea which, while meritorious, will probably soon fall by the wayside once the initial buzz wears off. Still it was gratifying to see that my 'Monopoluxy' map was the first one chosen for the 'treatment', even though I personally don't think it's anywhere near my best. To my mind it looks nice but plays too easily. So much for my 15 minutes of fame.

Lux member Blind Willie (his avatar is shown here - I'm no Optometrist but I think I might know his eyesight problem…) didn't like the background picture, which was fairly blurry. What I saw clearly as an ANZAC soldier, spitfire plane and naval destroyer, he saw as an 'out-of-focus hillbilly'. Ah the differences of perspective.

So today I'll probably fish out the original artwork for Monopoluxy and clear the background up a bit, but in the meantime, here's a link to the forum and the conversation, which got just a bit silly in the end (it is, after all, SillySoft!)

Lux MapLab - Monopoluxy Review

Hammer Blow

Video blogger Emma, one of the popular community members of YouTube, posted a video recently which tells a sad, sad story:

This morning I woke up to a call from my mother and father. I've only spoken to my father once since I moved out, and my mother not at all. So this phone call was a bit of a surpise. The phone call wasn't a pleasant one. I was told by my parents that they wanted me to stop dating James immediately. Why? Because he's black.
I was told that I have 'crossed the line'. That I am 'ruining my reputation'. Even that I will 'lose my family'.
Because I'm dating somebody whose skin is darker than mine.
I was told that I am a white woman and that I should be with a white man.
By my parents.
Basically they gave me a choice. My beliefs… or my family.
Now the only person in my family who I have a good relationship with is my sister Amanda. I either don't speak to, barely speak to, or don't get along with everyone else. But noentheless, they are my family and I have loved them my whole life.
I love my family.
But I cannot do that.

I was told that I live in an idealistic world, that there is a difference between the way the world should be and the way the world is.
You want to know what I think?
I think that it's sad that this is the way the world is. And I think it's sad that so many people are too weak, narrow-minded, ignorant, and cowardly to do something about it.
This is the way the world is, and I don't agree with it. And I won't give in to it.
I'm not going to sit back and let mine and other people's happiness be shattered. I'm going to do MY part in making this world a better place. An equal, fair, and beautiful place full of LOVE.
I am going to stand up for what I believe in.
I believe that love is love. That love knows no color or gender. Love is wonderful, and it is worth fighting for.
I will not sacrifice everything I stand for.
I will not be your puppet.
I will not be like you.
I love you.
But I am not you.

YouTubers, I hope you agree with me. If you do, I have a message for you:
Live in your idealistic worlds.
Live for what you believe in.
Live for what you know is right.
Live for a better world.

And don't ever give up who you are.
Peace & Love.

Those words need only one thing in front of them: “Brothers and Sisters, I have a dream…”. Martin Luther King would have been proud of you, Emma. Yes, everyone grows up at different times and so the world still retains some of its archaic, pathetic attitudes. Yes, people will be nice to your face and trash you behind your back. Yes, we all have to learn that's the way things are and will always be. And yes, if you believe in something, you should stand up for it, always, everywhere, to anyone, in love and peace, with understanding and humility but also with the strength that comes from having a just cause. Martin Luther King had a dream, and in far less time than he would have believed, that dream is close to fruition. It's not there yet, and the reality is it will never come 100% true. But his dream is closer than even he could have dreamed it being in so short a time. For that understanding and love which caused the world to change as much as it has, we, the world at large, should pat ourselves on the collective back. For allowing people like Emma's parents, who refuse to change, to continue in their misguided selfishness, we should be smacked.

I'll let Rap Star and Reverend M.C. Hammer take us out to the break (click on the picture for a larger view):


And just a quick link to explain why racism is wrong:
Where do races come from, and just how different are we all?

Islands in the Stream

Just a quick picture for all those on the Lux Map Lab forum to have a look at…

Senseless Night

Yes, last night was Senseless Census Night in Australia, that exciting once-every-five-years night of nights where everyone in the country has to tell the government exactly who is in their house, why they are there, and what colour their underwear is. From this incredible deluge of information, statisticians can plan the future of Australian policy, public works budgets, education, and social welfare - which makes you really worry when you read things like this on the Australian Bureau of Statistics 'Census FAQ' web page:

What is the Census?
"measure the number of persons in Australia on Census Night, their key characteristics…" - They want me to describe all my keys!?
"The next Census is to be conducted on August 7, 2001… This page published 13 June 2002" - And they trust their own ability to deal with numbers?

What are the benefits of having a census?
"one of the few sources of detailed statistical information…" - Apart from the Tax Department, Centrelink, Dept of Transport, Telstra, Employers, …
"primarily for electoral purposes and the distribution of government funds…" - Proof positive that they bribe you into voting for them!

How does the ABS ensure my privacy?
"it is not concerned with information about individuals…" - That's why most of the questions are about individuals.
"provisions in the Census and Statistics Act 1905…" - another 100-year-old law in action.

How does the ABS ensure that all Australians are included in the Census count?
"the ABS has developed strategies to maximise the effectiveness of collecting information…" - Their names are Louie and Bruno.

Indigenous Australians
"Counting young males, children and visitors…" - What, aboriginal adults are exempt from the census?
"quality assurance, validation…" - In other words, we'd better have someone on hand to fill it in for them and make sure they understand the questions."

Cultural diversity
"ABS consults closely with migrant government and community organisations…" - But doesn't tell them anything while doing so, because of the privacy thing.
"communities where there may be reluctant to give personal information to a government agency…" - Like they would have had to do to get into Australia in the first place?

The homeless
"identify locations where homeless people might be found…" - So they can't escape Louie and Bruno by hiding in an alley all night.
"less intimidating question forms for homeless people with low literacy…" - Intimidating questions? These people are attacked by the forms!?"

Why does it take so long from the time of collection to release the data?
"collection, capture, coding, and validation of over 700 million responses…" - And given there are only 20 million people in Australia, are you guys sure you know how to add?
"capture, code and validate the responses…" - So if they don't like your answer, once they've caught your form out of the cage that is, they make up their own response?
"data and products produced from the 1996 Census were released earlier than for the 1991 Census…" - Four of five years before the 1996 census obviously.
"A release schedule similar to the 1996 Census will be implemented for 2001 Census output…" - So the 2001 census info will be released in 1997 at the same time as the 1996 info?

2001 Census and the question on religion
"religious organisations provide a range of services to the community, such as education, hospitals, and aged care facilities…" - So what's left for the government to pay for?
"For a group to be included in the ABS classification of religion, it would have to show that there was an underlying belief system or philosophy…" - So why complain that so many people wrote 'Jedi' last time?

Unpaid Work
"ABS estimates the value of unpaid work to be around $250 billion a year…" - Again, not to demean your mathematical abilities guys, but if its unpaid, its value is $0.00 a year.

What is the Centenary of Federation Census Time Capsule Project?
"disclose to people of the 22nd century a wealth of detail…" - If they can find it under all the rubble and the radiation hasn't decayed it.
"choice of having their names, addresses and Census form information retained by the National Archives of Australia and released for research purposes after 99 years…" - So if the status of Person 2 on census night in your house is 'casual root', remember to say 'No' to information release or else be hit with a paternity case when you're 125.

ABS FAQ page
Key National Indicators

Bubble-Wrapped Kids

Never-satisfied Sue, a checkout-chick at a small-town supermarket, keeps complaining that my blog articles aren't intellectual enough, so tonight's will be a long one - and yes Sue, it will be another whinge.

A couple of weeks ago I was at a house on the east side of town (in case you didn't know, in almost every city of the world, the east side is the lower-class area - wind direction, industrial pollution, shade from hills, etc are the general cause), and I told my kids off for leaving a portable DVD player on the seat of the car outside, in full view of any passers-by "in an area like this". "Don't worry", interjected the lady of the house, a 21-year-old unmarried mother of 3, "we're the worst people in the street". Actually I don't believe her, but at least she was willing to admit her preceived faults, which shows more maturity than I expected. And then, when I commented that the wood heater, which was going flat-out, should have a screen in front of it so her toddlers don't burn themselves, she showed maturity once again: "They've all touched it once when it was going."

Now that might sound a very callous, cruel way of training children to you, but not to me. I remember a very similar situation with an ex of mine, Jen, preparing dinner. Her daughter Mary kept trying to climb up on the stove; Jen repeatedly told her not to, but she just kept doing it. After about the tenth time I stepped in and told Jen, "Stop shouting at her, just go over and get some ice from the freezer" Jen was horrified, but I insisted. Moments later, Mary put her hand on the stove, screamed and cried and had ice instantly applied to the burn, and never climbed onto the stove again.

There's an old saying, "sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind". Any parent who was brought up by good parents understands it. It hurts you more than it hurts the kids to stand back and let them make some mistakes, but you know you're doing it for their own good. Some lessons can only be learned through experience, not preaching. This doesn't excuse bashing or mental abuse, of course, but experience proves the Biblical saying "Spare the rod, and you'll spoil the child"… for the rest of their lives. You only get once shot at raising each child correctly, there's no room for trial and error, testing new theories or allowing the child to determine their own destiny. What is the point of all your experience if the kids can't benefit from it?

My kids were furious when we last when to St Mary's and found the playground there had had all its equipment removed, in case some kid hurt themselves. Schools are now banning tag, chasings, and any playground game that involves touching. Santa Claus has security cameras trained on him the whole time he's sitting in Walmart. Children are dragged off the counsellors at the first sign of shyness, openness, talking too much, being too quiet, not exercising enough, being obsessed with their weight. Every toy has to be retard-safe and every box have warning labels all over it. Schools are closed because someone poured rat poison on the floor. The kids spend too much time on the Playstation, but aren't allowed to play outdoors.

Society is raising a generation of wimps, of children who never get scratched or yelled at by the friends, who are molly-coddled and bubble-wrapped so badly they are suffering adult conditions like depression while still in junior school. Drugs are shoved down their throats instead of letting them learn how to deal with life's ups and downs. And then we wonder why they can't cope with life, after we took away every life-lesson which would have taught them to do so.

This is what it was like before Generation X, Y, ADD or whatever its called:

We survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes. After that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking from home to our uncle's farm, where we built rickety treehouses in 50 foot pines and barns full of hay, chased the bull around the paddock, and drove tractors from age 7 or 8. We rode in cars with no seat belts or airbags. Riding in the back of a pickup was a special treat.

We drank water straight from the garden hose, not a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no-one actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because… WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!! Yes, we weren't only allowed to, we were told to! We would leave home in the morning and play all day halfway across town in a playground, catch tadpoles in the creek or play soldiers in the forest; we were taught to be home before the streetlights came on. No-one knew where we were all day, and that was ok.

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes and ending up with blood pouring from our knees. We didn't have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no videos, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms… we had friends and we went outside and found them, then we would wander off somewhere and meet someone new and they would be our friends too then.

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms didn't live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthday, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we didn't put out anyone's eye. We went to Scouts or Boys Brigade where we got hit in the mouth playing the stick-and-rag game and our front teeth went through our lower lip. No-one sued anyone for that either, it was just part of having fun! We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them! Little League had tryouts; not everyone made the team, and those who didn't had to learn to deal with the disappointment!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law and told the local police to give us a good clip around the ear if we did something wrong! And the cops did!

And this generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past few decades have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with all of it!

When Kaitlyn was three years old she came inside crying because she'd fallen over and cut herself. She was sobbing hysterically, that heart-wrenching sob of misery and betrayal that a parent would willingly cut his own arms off to stop. "Why… did this… have to… happen… to me?". As I fixed her up, I said "Well, life has two choices. You can stay inside where its nice and safe and warm and you never get hurt, but you don't have very much fun… or you can play outside where there's lots to see and do, but sometimes you get hurt out there." She thought long and hard about those two options, and when I asked her which one she'd decided on, she replied "I guess I'll just have to be hurt sometimes."

Smart girl. I couldn't have said it better myself.

Is the world more dangerous now than when we were kids?
ABC Science & Society - Watching Your Kids Online
Dangerous playground games banned
School Rat Poison Scare

True Tales of Telstra

Last year Telstra, in a blaze of publicity, announced they were going to install high-speed fibre throughout Australia; they were going to make sure Australia had the fastest internet and the best phone network in the world, period. While everyone in the auditorium was cheering, I was laughing my head off. When it comes to internet speed, Tassie is the a%#e end of the internet, with the rest of Australia only slightly ahead. While politicians and company directors throw phrases like 'information superhighway' around, we're still waiting for the graders to come and start sealing the dirt track we're currently using. We wait… and wait… and wait… for pages to load, while 10-year-old American kids are busy watching 5 streaming full-screen movies and playing World of Warcraft online at the same time. And if this sounds like I'm complaining about slow internet, consider this: where I work we have consistently subscribed to the fastest possible internet option as and when they became available to us!

Today Telstra publicly announced they were putting their $4 billion dollar plan on hold, supposedly because of conflicts with the Australian Competition & Consumer Commission (ACCC) over pricing. This fibre rollout was never going to happen, it was always beyond Telstra's technical, financial and service abilities, and one suspects it's announcement might only ever have been a way to push Telstra share prices up at a time when large blocks were being made available to the public.

The selling-off of Telstra in the first place is fairly shonky practice. Australian taxpayers paid for Telstra during all the years of its establishment, then the government sold it as if it were the owner of the company. Did any of the money go back to the people who bought it in the first place? Well… no, far from it. In fact the government sold Telstra to the public, the very people who already owned it, one share at a time.

Now why would anyone want to buy into Telstra anyway? This is a company whose customer service is almost non-existent, as these examples show:

• Miss your bill? Too bad, because Telstra, despite announcing plans to build the world's best communication network, can only send bills through the mail. They cannot regularly email them to you, fax them, or ring you up and tell you your phone is about to be cut off.
• And that cutoff will cost you $57 to have reconnected, even though its about 5 seconds work.
• Line rentals and handset rentals from Telstra are plain ridiculously high. You can buy a new mobile (cell) phone, with included credit, every two months for the same cost as renting a Telstra line for that long.
• Every other phone company in Australia rents its lines off Telstra, and yet the majority of them can still charge less per call than Telstra.
• Forget consolidating all your Telstra bills into one manageable portfolio. Sure they've advertised it for years; in fact, we have called Telstra umpteen times in the last 4 years, and arranged for a Telstra Rep to come and go through our accounts and options. Despite making multiple appointments over that 4 years, we still haven't had one single Rep turn up.
• As shown on current affairs TV programs last week, Telstra sends people bills for 1¢ even though postage is currently about 45¢ in Australia. Telstra implied in the interview that this was an unusual error; not so. Many, many people have Telstra bills in their drawers somewhere for 1 or 2¢; mine was over 10 years ago.
• The vast majority of Internet Australia still doesn't have anything more than a 56k dial-up connection, despite those amazing fibre plans, and has very restrictive time and data limits on it. Telstra, according to its own literature, does not 'officially support' anything faster than a 28k connection!
• Forget calling Telstra's Customer Service with its voice recognition nightmares. Even if you are understood instantly, you'll have an average 6 questions or button pushes and 60-85 second wait, be asked a whole heap of identifying information, then told they can't help you in most cases because it isn't on the script in front of them, perhaps you'd like to be put through to another department? And another after that? And another…

Telstra sucks, bigtime. This is a company whose share prices will continue to fall and fall and fall, until it goes bankrupt. Announcements of non-existent impossible developments will delay it for some years, but the plain and simple fact is that Telstra is not a commercially viable company, and is too set in its self-righteousness to see themselves as the man in the street does. While the government and the taxpayer footed the bill, Telstra prospered, at least on paper. But the writing is on the wall, and it says 'Please hold…'

AUSSIES! Help me out here, post comments on this article about your own terrible experiences with Telstra, so our Yank readers can get some idea what they're like from people other than me!