Some employer's have taken advantage of Australia's new industrial relations legislation to change of few of the existing workplace practices which annoy them the most.
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Any worker found dead at their desk will be promptly fired. All deaths will need to be applied for in advance and will only be approved if your can show that your death will not affect productivity.
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements instead. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for late afternoon so that you can work through your lunch hour and leave one hour early.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls, and at the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the toilet will flush upwards. The stall door will open, and a picture will be taken which will be posted on the company bulletin board.
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, and even that may be too much.