Monday, June 26, 2006
John Howard Interview
World Wierd Web was fortunate enough during the week to be able to interview Australian Prime Minister John Howard, following rumours that he had been sacked from the Liberal Party (reported on Comedy Inc on Wednesday night).
Mr Howard, thanks for joining us.
No worries mate.
Why did your second-in-command sack you yesterday?
Well, he's short a couple of kangaroos in the top paddock.
He's a few bricks short of a backyard BBQ mate.
You mean he's stupid?
That's what I just said. The lights are on but no-one's home. Sounds like you could do with an answering machine yourself in that regard, mate.
You're saying I'm stupid too?
Well if the thong fits… anyway why are you making such a fuss about it, it happens all the time.
The last time a Prime Minister was sacked was 1975.
Like I said, all the time.
Why DID you get sacked?
Ah well apparently everyone else joined the Liberal Party because they thought it was some sort of drunken free-love get-together, and I wouldn't let them have enough fun.
DID you ever have fun in the Party?
Yeah sure, we introduced that new Industrial Relations legislation last year that means no-one has any rights any more... that was a good one.
Will you be appealing your sacking?
No, I can't.
Well cause we introduced this new Industrial Relations legislation last year…
Oh yes, I see the problem. Well what are you going to do now?
Go on the dole mate.
Unemployment benefits? Will you be able to live on that considering you're used to a $112,000 a year salary plus about twice that in Allowances?
Well I haven't checked how much the dole is yet but our Policies say its enough to live on so I figure it must be close.
It's $10,000 per year.
Yeah good one mate, no-one could live on that. Average rent in Canberra is gonna cost me $13,000 a year! You should join the Liberal party with a sense of humour like yours.
Why do you mention renting a place. Aren't you married?
Well I was, but she left me yesterday.
Well we passed Legislation banning same-sex marriages.
But she's a woman and you're a man, what's that got to do with anything?
Dunno, but she got mad when we passed it and went to stay with her friend Lola. She spends quite a bit of time with Lola.
You don't think she might be a lesbian?
No, she was born here in Australia. She's never even been to Lesbia.
Where is Lesbia?
I don't know. Ask the Navy.
I can't, they're all up north patrolling our borders. Why the increased presence up there?
Because we don't trust the Chinese. They're making nuclear weapons flat out like a lizard drinking.
Where are they getting the uranium?
Australia's selling it to them.
For money of course, why else do you sell something?
But what about the nuclear weapons?
Oh, they're not making them from our uranium - that's for power plants… I think.
Can't you ring them and find out for sure?
Well I tried, but the phones aren't working too well these days.
Because we sold off Telstra to private enterprise and the only way they can make a profit is to not do maintenance.
Aren't they talking about installing completely new high-speed infrastructure throughout Australia?
But they can't afford to even maintain what they've already got?
Then how will they be able to afford it?
Not sure, you'd have to ask the Treasurer that. Give him a call after the interview, his tin number is 12.
You mean his phone number?
No, tins with tight string between them. We installed them throughout Parliament House, work heaps better than the phones.
What direction do you think the Liberal Party will take now that you're not their Leader any more?
Oh, dunno really. Probably have more drunken free-love parties.
Doesn't that worry you?
No, if they want to adopt the Labor Party's Code of Behaviour that's their business now.
Mr Howard, thanks for your time.
No worries mate… listen you couldn't spot me a hundred or two could you, I'm a bit short until I get to the dole office on Monday?
Actually I have nothing on me at the moment. Can't you borrow some from one of your ex-Party mates? There's the Treasurer now…
HIM!? He's never got any money!
Slips through his fingers like sand through a duck's back, mate. Can't budget. Hopeless with money!
But he's the Australian Treasurer!
Yeah, but he's lousy with money.
Then why is he Treasurer!?
Well he's a lot of fun at the drunken free-love parties.
Mr Howard, we really must end there. Good luck in the future.
Yeah thanks… look are you sure you haven't got anything on you…?
Official Site of the Prime Minister
National 'John Howard Day' Proposed